If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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