Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
