Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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