ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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