please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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