Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
