$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize