So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
