My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
