your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
