im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
