Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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