I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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