i just sent this text using only my big toe
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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