you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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