I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
