My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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