I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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