Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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