im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
