Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
