I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
