Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
