How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
