I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
