I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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