I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
