where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
