My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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