Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
