Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
