And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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