just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
