i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
