tonight lets celebrate not being married
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
