KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
