we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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