I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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