i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
