Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
