i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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