Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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