i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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