What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
