I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
