my vag is so smooth its legendary
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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