If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
