well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
