Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
