Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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