My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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