Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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