My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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