Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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