Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
