I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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