i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize