1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize